


Yippee-ki-yay, motherfluffer

by yourgaydad



Series: We are human after all [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 17:46:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15442491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourgaydad/pseuds/yourgaydad
Summary: Teens with superpowers and hollywood action movies don't go together.Or how Peter got banned from watching Bruce Willis movies.





	Yippee-ki-yay, motherfluffer

**Author's Note:**

> In the time since I last posted, I finishes writing my thesis, passed my last huge exam and graduated from uni. I also traveled to Sardinia to work at a camping until October. 
> 
> That means I have much more free time now and am excited to write more! 
> 
> This is just a little thing that I came uo with ages ago. Its inspired by the final fight fron Die Hard 4. I saw it the first time when I was about 16 and absolutely loved it, it's still one of my favorites. 
> 
> I posted a link to the scene in the end notes.

Peter changed the course of his swing abruptly when an alarm pierced through the evening traffic. He landed in front of the small corner shop, noticed the terrified cashier and walked straight in.

In his defence, it was a long day. He stayed up last night after patrol to finish a project, which, he later found out, wasn’t due for another week. Because of that he overslept and had to leave for school in ten minutes from waking up. Usually Tony would make him eat breakfast anyway and given him a ride, but it just so happened that both his dad and Pepper were in DC for some conference and wouldn’t be back until later that day. If that rough start wasn’t enough it just got worse with an unexpected history test. Ned getting sick and going home after second period didn’t lift his mood either. On top of that came an afternoon filled with more studying and unhealthy snacks. And just because dad send him a text reminding about a proper dinner didn’t mean he actually ate it. He obviously had more important things to do than eat or rest.

Suddenly there was an arm around his torso, pulling him back against somebody's chest, and a gun digging into the muscles under his collarbone. But after a day like that, could anybody really blame him for not being the most focused? Peter wasn’t even angry at himself for the mistake. He was just tired of that hell of a day and simply wanted it to be over.

The attacker yelled a lot and the cashier backed away with his hands high in the air,meanwhile Karen spoke suggestions into his ear. But all Peter could think about was how he wished it was weekend already. He was so ready to go upstate, chill around the Compound and work peacefully in a lab. His mind helpfully supplied with a memory of a movie marathon he had few weeks earlier with Rhodey. His favorite scene seemed oddly fitting for the moment being. 

The teen snapped back into the moment knowing what he was going to do. There was no hesitation. Not even a single thought that he could do it differently. The set up was just perfect.

“Yippee-ki-yay, mutherfluffer!” left his mouth in an angry whisper as his hand jumped up to the gun and pulled the trigger in one swift motion.

***

“And that’s all they should have ever done” Tony said with a deep grunt as the credits of Die Hard started to roll. 

“Don’t listen to him, Peter” Rhodey was quick to jump in and send his friend a dirty look. “That old man doesn’t know what he is talking about.”

“First of all” Peter watched his dad in amusement as the man put up a finger in the air, “You are older than me, grandpa. And secondly, you work for the military for goodness sake! You know it’s just a big pile of BS put nicely together!”

“Does it mean I can’t enjoy the art that is detective John McClane? No! So shut up or go be grumpy somewhere else. My nephew needs to see this!”

Peter snickered as Tony got up from the couch and ruffled the boy’s hair on his way out.

Few hours later the two of them had watched four movies from the Die Hard series that Rhodey thought to be masterpieces. The fifth one wasn’t even worth mentioning in his opinion and was better left unwatched. Peter still saw it later on his own, only to agree with the older man. 

They heatedly spoke over each other, talking about the final fight from the last movie, how McClane outsmarted the bad guy and shot him through his own body.

Wasn’t that just the most amazing move ever?

***

“Please don’t die, Mr. Criminal” was the first thing Peter said after realising what he actually just did. He had a shitty day, sure, but it didn’t mean he wanted to kill somebody. 

And then the understanding that the man wasn’t the only one injured hit him. Because he shot himself. Consciously pulled the trigger of a gun pressed against his chest with an absolute belief that it was a great idea. 

Well, he still thought it was cool. And Ned would for sure think the same. Peter made him watch the whole Die Hard series so they could fanboy together. Yeah, his friend was going to lose his mind. And he could brag to Rhodey about it! He would bet that the man had never done any of the John McClane moves, obviously not the best one.

The arm that was holding him disappeared and he heard a loud thud of body hitting the ground. Luckily the man was still very much alive and clutching at his chest where his black outfit was getting even darker from blood.

“Sorry man, you picked the wrong day” was all Spider-Man had to say.

“Police and ambulance are on their way. You should seek medical help as well, Peter” Karen was speaking slowly to him, but it was still hard to focus on her words.

The adrenaline was still buzzing in him, but it wasn’t enough to ignore the pain that was slowly spreading from his right shoulder. He shook his arm in a spontaneous way to try and make it better, but the result was opposite.

He could hear the AI talking again, but the words didn’t make any sense so he muted the irritating sound. There were still quite a few warnings flashing in his view as well as something colorful and moving that popped up in the corner, but since he couldn’t focus on any of them he chose to ignore it. 

Making sure the cashier was more or less alright was all he felt capable of doing before he stumbled out on the street and shot a web out. It wasn’t the first time Spider-man got shot, but the pain was much worse than the grazes he experienced so far. This time a bullet actually went through his shoulder and he could feel it. 

He was progressively getting higher and swinging faster, his moves a bit erratic as every use of his right arm was a numbing addition to the pain he already felt. Peter wasn’t even sure if it was the good direction. Where exactly did he want to get? 

The feeling of warm blood under his suit made him want to just lay down on one of the roofs and rest for a moment. But before he could chose a building to settle on Peter realised he was no longer swinging through the air. Instead he was flying on a stable height and the hard pressure on his chest brought him back to a more conscious state. 

He felt no urge to get away from the cold metallic confinement. There was no reason to panic, he somehow was sure of that, but why? 

“Oh” he looked up, straight into the eyes of Ironman suit staring back at him, “Oh no.”

“Hey there, buddy. Are you with me now?” Tony’s voice came from the suit with the usual robotic tinge. 

He could brag about what cool thing he did to Ned and Rhodey but there was no way of hiding it from his father and he wasn’t going to be happy about it. Nope. Tony was going to be pissed. Maybe he didn’t know what exactly happened yet. 

“Karen, delete the footage” Peter tried his last chance of covering it up. The shock made him forget that he didn’t have an authorization to delete anything.

“Good to hear you kid, but is that really all you have to say after being unresponsive for almost six minutes?” as the boy came out of his shock induced state he could hear the concern hidden in his father’s lighthearted tone. He reached up with his left hand and knocked at the helmet. 

Maybe the shock wasn’t over yet after all. 

The faceplate lifted up, but instead of the empty space Peter suspected was Tony himself.

“Yes, I’m here kid. Hello. How are you doing? Okay? Not sleepy? Did you hit your head?”

“Wanna hear a joke?” wasn’t an answer to any of the questions, but was good enough to make Tony smirk.

“Is it a knock knock joke?” the man went along with it, happy that Peter was responding. 

“Yeah…”

“How about you save it for Dr. Cho, then? We will be at her door in twenty seconds.”

***

“Do you know what exactly happened? The angle of this shot is rather unusual” Peter heard Dr. Cho speak but the words didn’t make much sense. The enhanced painkillers in his system made him very sleepy, his eyelids closing without his permission.

“I’m having trouble with accessing the footage at the moment, but the report didn’t state any other injuries.”

He tried to open his eyes at his father’s voice, but they just flattered for a moment, catching a glimpse of two silhouettes above him, before closing again.

“You still awake, Pete?” Tony asked and a hand brushed the boy’s hair.

“Does anything hurt, Peter?” the female voice inquired. It took him a moment to understand the question was for him and he rolled his head to the side. He didn’t feel any pain. “That’s great. You can go to sleep now and I’m gonna take care of your wound. Don’t worry.”

“Yippie-ki-yay” he mumbled on the edge of unconsciousness, his brain trying to answer the question from earlier. That’s what happened. He was like John McClane. But his intention didn’t get through to the adults.  
“Are you still in that Die Hard phase of yours?” Tony chuckled. “We can watch it tomorrow, but now you go to sleep, okay kid?”

And so Peter stopped fighting the tiredness in his body and let the sleep consume him. His thoughts were fuzzy, but somehow he had the feeling that he wasn’t going to watch Die Hard again anytime soon.

***

When Peter woke up he was in his room in the Compound and the space was filled with sun so he knew it must have been a late morning already. He sat up, noticed a sling on his right arm and pulled on it without thinking. A dull pain radiating from his shoulder was quick to follow. As if knowing the boy couldn’t be trusted with his injury, Tony appeared in the doorway with a soft knock and a smirk on his lips, “Leave the sling be, kid. Your shoulder needs some rest.”

It was easy to notice that the small smile wasn’t a happy one and Peter deflated with the realisation that he had some explaining to do. His dad’s calm demeanor could only mean one thing. He wasn’t angry. It was something worse. 

“Come on, detective McClane, let’s get some food in you before you have any new great ideas.”

Oh boy, was he in big trouble.

Being a friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man meant that he got himself into stupid and risky situations too often to count. Some of them went by without ever being noticed by his dad and some became reasons for a very silent breakfast the next day. But none of them so far was as tense and uncomfortable as the one he had that day. 

He thought it couldn’t get any worse, but changed his mind as soon as the footage from previous night started playing on a big screen in the living room. It was extremely awkward to see himself look at the gun, say “Yippie-ki-yay, motherfluffer” and pull the trigger. Watching it once would have been enough, but to his horror the video was looped and started playing again right away. The boy grunted in embarasemet and sinked lower into the couch.

“Yeah, I wasn’t very happy when I saw it either” Tony started, looking at the screen and turning it off. “I don’t even want to ask what were you thinking, Peter, because I can’t agree with whatever the answer would be. There is just no possible reason for you to do something like that and be right about it.”

There was a short silence, but the boy didn’t know what could he say to give his father some peace.

“Please tell me that you see how stupid it was? We talked about unnecessary risk so many times, Pete, and then you just go and do something like that? You are lucky it missed your lung and ribs, it could have been so much worse” the man sighed deeply, making Peter look up with guilt and start explaining himself. 

“It looks so dumb now” he let out a sigh of his own, “I was having a very shitty day, Dad. I was tired, unfocused and just really wanted to go home when it happened. The Die Hard scene just popped up from nowhere in my brain and I thought it was the easiest way to get it over with. I acted like a moron, I know.”

Tony was quiet for a long moment, biting on his lip, before eventually asking, “So, those shitty days, is it something that happens often?”

“Um, I don’t think so?” Peter didn’t know where that question came from. “It was like the Series of Unfortunate Events, but on the easy level.”

“Do you think there was a reason for that?” was the next careful question.

“Well… I did stay up a bit late, because of a school project and then overslept… So that’s how it all started” the teen shrugged, what did it matter? Apparently Tony had a different look at it as his calmness suddenly crumbled and he started to pace through the room. 

“I knew you shouldn’t have stayed alone when we went for the conference. Next time you are going with me or staying with May, young man.”

“Dad… Are you okay? You just called me a young man. Why are you stressing so much?”

“Why am I…” the man stopped in his tracks and stared at Peter in shock. 

And that was the moment when Rhodey walked into the room. Tony’s attention shifted just as quickly as his mood changed into pure anger.

“What happened to you, kid?” Rhodey asked, but before he got any answer he was being dragged out by the other man. “We are not done yet, Peter!” was all Tony said to his son, before the boy heard a quiet “Your stupid movie happened!”

The teen had barely a minute to get his head around what he just saw before Pepper came in with a worried look.

“I guess Rhodey found Tony first, huh? I wanted to give him some heads up, but well… He is on his own now” she said with a shrug before sitting next to Peter and hugging him gently. “How are you feeling, sweetie?”

“Um… I’m pretty fine. It’s not even hurting that much” he moved his arm in the sling, before looking at the woman with a frown. “But Dad is acting really weird today. He was asking me all this questions that have nothing to do with me getting shot? He called me young man! He never does that! I don’t understand what’s up with him.”

“You don’t know what’s gotten into Tony, huh? Well, let me make some tea. I have a feeling that guys won’t be back for a long time.”

Five minutes later, curled together on the couch, mugs of green tea in hands, Pepper asked him one simple question, “What happened yesterday that worries Tony?”

“I got shot” Peter answered shortly. What was the point of saying it over and over?

“Well, that’s not exactly what happened, is it?” the woman inquired further, looking at him patiently.

“Is everyone talking in riddles today, Pep?” he was close to whining at this point.

“You didn’t get shot, Pete” she said, holding him softly, “You shot yourself”. She gave him a moment to think it through. “Do you understand now? Do you see how it sounds, Petey?”

“But that’s- That’s just stupid- I did it to get away from that guy- I didn’t want to hurt myself, it just- It just happened this way-” he looked at her pleadingly.

“I really want to believe that Peter, but I did see the video and it looks terrifying. You weren’t fearful of getting hurt, you didn’t even hesitate. You pulled the trigger with so much confidence. You can’t blame us for getting scared.”

“Scared?” it sounded ridiculous to Peter. Tony wasn’t afraid of anything.

“Every smallest chance that he could lose you terrifies him. Hell, it terrifies all of us, Peter” she kissed his temple. “Last night, when you were out of it because of the painkillers, he couldn’t stop thinking that he might have missed something. Some symptoms that shown you weren’t feeling okay. At one point he was a press of a button away from calling a psychiatrist in the middle of the night.”

“Oh man… It’s nothing like that. I promise Pep, it never even occured to me. I just had a bad day and- That’s really it.”

“I’m really happy to hear that Pete. But if you ever start having too much of those bad days, you come and talk to somebody, okay?”

“Okay, sure” he nodded firmly and gave her a quick hug before getting up, “I better talk to Dad now. Before he murders Rhodey for showing me the movie.”

Thankfully Tony didn’t kill his best friend yet. Peter stumbled into Rhodey on his way to the workshop, what made the man jump up with a panicked look.

“Peter, I have to tell you that what is shown in action movies is highly unrealistic and should never be taken seriously” he stated matter of factly, his voice changing between concerned and terrified. “What’s even more important-”

“I’m absolutely okay and never doing it again” Peter interupted quickly and gave the man a one arm hug before walking away, “Talk to you later, I need to find Dad before he goes completely crazy about it all.”

As was to be suspected, Tony was trashing around his workshop in not so silent anger. He froze when he noticed Peter and looked lost for a moment. The boy simply beamed at him and walked through the room in energetic strides until he was pressed against his father’s chest.

“I can’t believe you thought I was self-harming” he mumbled into the soft material as two strong arms linked around his back and held him close. “I promise I’m okay Dad. It was just a stupid accident. You don’t have to worry.”

“Well, good thing I stopped my Rhodey-killing spree before it started” Tony tried to say lightheartedly, but his voice wavered. “You really scared me kid. Don’t do that again.”

“I’ll try my best” Peter said earnestly before getting out of the hug and chuckling, “Wanna see my wrists to feel better? Of course, if I was cutting, I wouldn’t be so obvious to do it on my wrists-”

Tony’s serious face made him backtrack, “Too soon?” 

“Yes. Too soon. I should ground you just for that comment. God dammit, Pete.”

“So I’m not grounded, then?” the teen asked hopefully.

“No. You are just banned from ever watching an action movie again. Especially with unresponsible adults as commentators.”

“Does Star Wars counts as action movie? What about the new Jurassic World? Can I still see the Avengers cartoons? And what are we gonna watch if you can’t show me those old Bond movies anymore?”

The last comment earned him a smack across the head, but also made Tony smirk.

“That’s not all, kid. When your shoulder is back to normal we will also have some extra training sessions until you come up with ten different ways to get out of a situation like the one yesterday without getting shot.”

“Oh… So my punishment is spendig more time with you? How sweet Dad” Peter teased the man mercilessly. “Does a kick to the knee count as one or two? You know, I can attack the left one or the right one?”

“It seems to me like someone really wants to get grounded” Tony gave him his best dad look before laughing at Peter’s unimpressed expression. Teasing could easily go both ways.

***

It was later that day, the teen eating dinner together with Tony, Pepper and Rhodey, when Peter decided he waited long enough and just needed to make one more comment on the situation.

He cleread his throat to get everybody’s attention before speaking up, “Can I just point something out?”, all the heads turned to him. 

“I’m kind of disappointed that no one mentioned the positive thing from yesterday, like it didn’t even matter” he made a dissatisfied face as the adults exchanged confused glances.

“I’m sorry- There was a positive part?” Tony spoke with a deep frown and Peter just rolled his eyes.

“You mean stopping the crime?” Pepper was the next one to guess but it didn’t satisfy the boy either.

“I didn’t swear!” Peter said eventually, clearly very excited about his statement. “I said motherfluffer and that’s not what John McClane would say. Don’t I deserve some points for that?” Everybody stared at him in silence so he just continued to babble, “You and May made the no swear rule, Dad. You should be happy that I respected it even in a highly stressfull situation. You guys never specified if it stands for Spider-Man as well, but I didn’t took advantage of that.”

His monologue was interupted by Rhodey, who bursted out laughing, “In moments like this I truly doubt he is your son.”

“Isn’t he just precious” added Pepper, looking at the teen adoringly with a soft smile.

Tony, who in meantime laid his head on the table with resignation, now looked up with sarcastic excitement, “Good thing I haven’t called May yet, now I know what to say”, he mimed talking on the phone, “Peter didn’t swear, you should be so proud May. He did think shooting somebody through his own body was a great idea, but he didn’t swear! Let’s look at the positives!”

Tony shook his head looking at Peter, “Do you think I’d rather see you shot or swearing? It’s not a hard question, kid.”

“So you want me to say mutherfu-”

“Don’t push it, kid. You do not want to test my limits today” Tony interupted before the teen could finish. Pepper gave the boy a disbeliving look and Rhodey just snickered, teasing and playing on the edge, that was much more like Tony. Peter gave them all an innocent look. 

Before he could get back to his meal, his phone made a series of nondescriptive noises and his grin grew wide as he looked at it.

“What happened to the no phones while eating rule?” Pepper asked and gave Tony a pointed look. He was the one to break it most often.

“Sorry, it’s important” Peter said, not taking his eyes of the phone, laughing at every new message that arrived in this short period. “I’ve send Ned the video and was waiting for his reply. He’s loosing his mind” the teen explained excitedly.

“Peter” his father’s stern tone made him put the phone on silent and hide it. “The video?” Tony questioned then, deep down already knowing he wouldn’t like the answer.

“You know, me being like John McClane? I send him the footage from my suit” his calm voice didn’t conceal how proud of himself he was.

“So he is loosing his mind because of how reckless it was?” everyone could see how tense Tony’s jaw was but Peter chose to ignore it, continuing to test his dad’s patience.

“Oh no, quite the opposit. Ned thinks I make an awesome John McClane” and he smiled at them in a pure angelic fashion.

“That’s it” Tony gritted his teeth, “If I hear that name one more time today- No. I never want to hear it again. It’s officially banned in this house. Forever” he finished with an angry look at everybody present.

“What name?” Peter asked with a very serious look. “Ned’s name? You can’t ban Ned’s name! He is my best friend, how am I gonna talk about him? And it’s a great name! Ned! Short and simple. Why don’t you like it? Ned’s gonna be traumatised when I tell him you don’t like his name.”

At this point the boy was the only one keeping a straight face. Rhodey had eyes full of tears and was bitting on his lip. Pepper covered her mouth with a hand, but the creases around her eyes gave her away. And Tony was starring at the ceiling and moving his lips silently before looking back at Peter with all the patience he could manage and answering with overexagerated calmness “That’s not the name I was reffering to.”

“Oh… So you meant detective John McClane’s name? Yeah, this makes much more sense…” Peter nodded few times, deep in thought. “Still a great name. Don’t know why you want to ban it. John McClane… John is a bit common, you are right, but McClane? It has a nice sound to it, don’t you think? McClane. Peter McClane. Hmmm. Maybe I should change it? No offense, but Parker Stark is a bit long. McClane-”

“FRIDAY” Tony seemed to be on an edge of agony. “If Peter says McClane one more time, you are not allowed to ever play any movie starring Bruce Willis. No matter who asks.”

Then he looked at Peter with pure satisfaction, “That’s what we call leverage, son.” 

The boy froze in shock, mouth open and eyes full of betrayal. Silence filled the room as they saw the change in his eyes when he made a decision. And then, without rush, with absolute confidence, he slowly said one word.

“McClane.”

And before anyone could react he coldly added “I won’t be blackmailed, Dad” and returned to his dinner as if nothing happened. 

Tony laid his head on the table, barely missing his plate, and stayed like that for a very long time. 

“Yep. Definitely your son” was all Rhodey said before engaging Pepper, who by now hid her whole face in her hands and was visibly shaking from laughter, in a conversation about wheather.

***

“Wait a second. Why does it sound so familiar?” May interupted the explanation of how Peter got injured. Tony was surprised by the calm confusion in her voice, it was usualy just anger or resignation. “I know! It’s just like that scene that Peter showed me. How was that guy called? McClane?”

**Author's Note:**

> The scene this whole fic was based on:
> 
> https://youtu.be/s8vdwqbwf5k
> 
> Sorry for any stupid mistakes but I wrote it and posted on my phone (this is the third go at posting).
> 
> Hopefully I will see you soon in my next fic! I will try my best to write pure fluff without angst this time. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Ciao!


End file.
